Changing these 4 beliefs will make you surprisingly happy

Changing these 4 beliefs will make you surprisingly happyChanging these 4 beliefs will make you surprisingly happyTraffic upsets you. People upset you. Yur job upsets you Wrong, wrong and wrong. Actually, none of those things upset you. Yurbeliefsabout them do. Thats what the ancient Stoic philosophers believed.FromThe Daily StoicPeople are leid disturbed by things, but by the views they take of them. EpictetusLets say you expect something to cost $90. Turns out it costs $80. Youre thrilled. But if you expect it to cost $30 and it costs $80, you want to murder someone. Price didnt change. Your belief did. And that determined your reaction.Oh, and science agrees with the Stoics here. Big time.Albert Elliswelches a psychologist and he took the ideas of the Stoics and weaponized them into some of the fruchtwein effective therapies that professionals use today.How big a verstndigung im strafverfahren welches Albert?According to asurveyof psychologists he was the 2nd most influential ps ychotherapist ever. Sigmund Freud came inthird.Heres whatWikipediasaysabout his systemIn general REBT is arguably one of the most investigated theories in the field of psychotherapy and a large amount of clinical experience and a substantial body of verrotten psychological research have validated and substantiated many of REBTs theoretical assumptions on rolleality and psychotherapy.And Albert says your beliefs are what cause the majority of unhappiness, anger, and anxiety you experience.Problem is, some of these beliefs aresneaky.You dont even realize theyre there. If I told you that you believed them, youd deny it. But theyre often dictating your reactions - and making you miserable in the process.So what are some of the most common problematic beliefs Albert identified and how do we fix them?Lets get to itNo. 1 This shouldnt be happeningThis is the big one.Hereshow Albert describes the 1 irrational belief we all too often holdPeople and things should always turn out the way I w ant them to and if they dont, its awful, terrible, and horrible, and thats bedrngnis fair.Sounds ridiculous. You would never say that, right? Problem is, you oftenbelieveit without realizing it.Say I tell you this toaster over here almost never works. You try to use the toaster. It doesnt work. Do you get furious and throw the toaster at me? No. Reality met expectations. No surprises. No emotional outburst. Now lets apply that same logic in a different scenario.You know the world is elend always a fair place, right? But then something unfair happens and you go ballistic. Does that make sense? Nope.If youreallybelieved the world wasnt always fair and the world promptly delivered some unfairness, you wouldnt get all bent out of shape. Reality met expectations. But what youreallybelieve is the world shouldnt be unfair toyou. And that, my dear friend, is crazy talk.HeresAlbertWeknowthe world is not fair, yet we still get overly upset when its unfair tous. We start thinking, very early o n, that the world should be fair to usin particular The upsetness doesnt make the problem go away or solve anything (as a matter of fact, you probably make poorer decisions, and deal with others less effectively), but you dont question your reaction because it seems sonatural.So how do you stop getting angry when life (which you acknowledge is unfair) does exactly what you said it would (and abroll-container-transport-system unfairly)? You need to change that underlying belief - the one you didnt know you had.Next time you find yourself getting upset, notice it. Pause. And thenIdentify the underlying beliefUh-oh. Im believing that this unfair lifemusttreat me fairly, arent I?Dispute that belief Is this belief rational? No. Uh-uh. No way, no how.Replace the belief So whats a more reasonable stance? I wouldpreferto be treated fairly, but I know things arent always going to be to my liking. Im not surprised and Im not going to lose my cool.(To learn more about the science of a success ful life, check out my bestselling bookhere.)Okay, so outside events arent always gonna go your way and holding an underlying belief that is aligned with that can make lifes ups and downs much easier to manage.But what beliefs about your own behavior does Ellis say regularly cause you problems?No. 2 I Must Be Perfect.Heres howAlbertdescribes itI must not fail at important tasks and if I do its terrible and I cant stand it.Again, you dont always realize this is your underlying belief. If I asked, Are you human and prone to error? Youd say yeah. But then you make a mistake and totally freak out. Does not compute.If youreallybelieved you were prone to error, you might be a little disappointed. Youdpreferto always get the A+. But you wouldnt be surprised and get overly emotional. Remember, you dont get angry when broken toasters act like broken toasters. You get angry when you expect broken toasters to act like working toasters.And getting rid of your perfectionist beliefs doesnt mean y oure suddenly going to become a slacker who half-asses everything. You can still be persistent. You just dont have to hold silly beliefs that drive you nuts. HeresAlbertSearching for perfect solutions often will lead to stagnation and frustration. Perseverance, tolerance for less than perfection (but striving for it), the pursuit of improvement, and commitment to doing the very best you can, all are healthy, and most likely to yield the best results. Eliminating unreasonable demands for perfect solutions in no way reduces your commitment to doing or being the very best you can do or be.And if thats not enough,researchsays perfectionism can kill youConsistent with our hypotheses, findings demonstrated that risk of death was significantly greater for high scorers in perfectionism and neuroticism, compared to low scorers at the time of base line.So how do you deal with that pesky need to always be the best?Again, you have to dispute the underlying belief. Next time youre aiming for 110 % and getting worked up, take notice.Ask yourself if the belief is rational (nope) and replace it with something more realistic Im going to work on the project for the next three hours and do my best. The amount of effort I expend is under my control but peoples reaction to it isnt.(To learn the seven-step morning zeremonie that will make you happy all day, clickhere.)Okay, youre disputing and replacing irrational beliefs. Maybe youre not doing it perfectly at first - but we dont have to be perfect, now do we?So what about when that irrational belief is like a song stuck in your head? And you just cannot make it stop?No. 3 I Should Worry About This.HeresAlbertIf I worry obsessively about some up-coming event or how someone really feels about me things will actually turn out better.Ridiculous, right? But sometimes thats the belief were really holding.We worry and worry and worry some more. And if we stop worrying, we beat ourselves up for not worrying enough. Its like we think anxie ty is a magic spell that, if chanted constantly, will actually prevent the dreaded thing from happening.For the record, it wont. And you already knew that. But if you believed it deep down, you wouldnt be biting your nails so much. Broken toaster theory all over again.So how do you make the worry song stop playing in your head? You know the answer here dispute and replace the belief. But with anxiety, it can be trickier because worry seems to operate on autopilot in the background. Time to bring out the big gunsWhat is worrying? Its your brains way of reminding you that something is a threat and needs to be dealt with. So what do you do if dispute and replace isnt cutting it in the short term? Let your brain know youre taking its reminders seriously.Schedule your worrying. Seriously. Make a worrying appointment. This worksFor those concerned with shedding some of their anxieties, it seems planning a certain time every day to worry may help stop the stress-out cycle.When people with adjustment disorders, burnout or severe work problems used techniques to confine their worrying to a single, scheduled 30- minute period each day, they were better able to cope with their problems, a new study by researchers in the Netherlands finds.Please make sure to tell co-workers, Id love to go to that meeting but 4PM is when I get all my worrying done for the day.And dont just worry during the appointment - dispute and replace. With practice, the worries will subside. Behavioral therapies like this are the most scientifically proven treatments for anxiety.(To learn 6 rituals from ancient wisdom that will make you happy, clickhere.)So you can finally get that worry song to stop playing in your head. But how do we deal with those beliefs about our past that have shaped us? Thebeliefs that we feel make us who we are?No. 4 Its because of my past.Albertexplains the belief like thisIt was my past and all the awful things that happened to me when I was a child or in my belastung rel ationship or in my last job that causes me to feel and act this way now.We make mistakes - often the same ones over and over - and we say its due to bad parenting. Or because we were teased in high school. Or because we dated the wrong people.Yes, Albert acknowledgedsometraumas do leave lasting issues. But many, many people willingly accept more minor past problems as part of their identity and dont really try to correct them.HeresAlbertThere is no question that our past experiences have thepotentialto influence greatly our present behavior,if we let them Past events wont become any less real or valid we cant change the tapes of those events. We can, however, vigorously change how wethink about them.In most cases its not that the past event caused irrevocable damage its that you arepresentlycarrying an irrational belief about yourself that you took away from the event.I was bullied in school because I was weaker than the other kids. So I am a weak person. And decades later youre s till running that buggy old code like it was the latest software update. Yeah, you may have had moments of weakness in the 4th grade. Does that mean youre a weak person at 32?Even though weve changed and our environment has changed, we cling to that outdated beliefand it affects how we feel. Then confirmation bias kicks in and we stop noticing evidence to the contrary - while maintaining a keen eye for everything that validates that irrational belief.I got nervous during that presentation today. Its because Im a weak person. Yeah, I killed 37 ninjas with my bare hands on the way from the parking lot to the office this morning, but that was just dumb luck. Ive always been weak and Ill always be weak.FromThe CBT Toolbox A Workbook for Clients and CliniciansBecause of how our filters (beliefs) are set up, we often notice instances that support the unhealthy beliefs more than we notice those that may support our opposite, healthy beliefs however, that evidence almost always exists as w ell.So how do we fix this? Of course, dispute and replace. But this one can be tricky because of confirmation bias.Were only noticing and remembering the times when the irrational belief seems to be true (nervous during presentation) and not the times when its proven false (single-handedly defeating hordes of expertly trained martial arts masters.) So youre gonna need some help with this disputing process.Sit down with an old friend and a piece of paper. Make your case. Write down all the events that happened over the years that prove your irrational belief true.I am weak becauseWhen youre done, list all the events that contradict the belief.I am not weak becauseAnd your friend gets to add to this list. You dont get veto power over their contributions. Remember, youre biased.FromThe CBT Toolbox A Workbook for Clients and CliniciansOne valuable tool involves forcing ourselves to look back over those very same periods of life purposefully looking to see the evidence that supports our healthy beliefs. You may want to rely on family members or friends who were around during each period of life to help you notice such evidence. Even if they share things they see as counting that you dont think should count write them down anywayIf there isanythingon the second list, then you are not cursed by your past forever - youre cursed by an outdated belief that you still hold. Dispute and replace.Are you weakat times? Probably. But thats true of everyone. Youre human. Welcome to the party.(To see the schedule that very successful people follow every day, clickhere.)Okay, I now hold the underlying belief weve learned a lot about beliefs. Lets round it all up - and learn the two words that signal you have some more disputin and replacin to doSum upHere are the 4 irrational beliefs that cause you a lot of problemsThis shouldnt be happening Do you really expect to always get what you want? No. But if you really believed that you wouldnt be shouting.I must be perfect. Not possi ble. And itll kill you. You can control effort, not outcome. I willdomy best is rational. I mustbethe best is not.I should worry about this. platzdeckchen a time to worry, to dispute, and to replace. This lets your brain know it doesnt need to be reminding you 24/7.Its because of my past. If thatsreallythe case, then you should be in therapy. But your problems are rarely due to dire past traumas, theyre usually due to some outdated, irrational belief you still hold. Get a friend to help you dispute and replace.You may have noticed two words that came up again and again should and must. Albert Ellis hated those words. He felt they were at the core of so much of our emotional suffering.Both imply that the universe needs to bend to your will. And thats not going to happen. Prefer all you like, but should and must are like shaking your fist at the sky when you dont like the weather. It should be sunny? Well, its not.When you align your expectations with reality, you stay cool like Fonzi e. And then youre able todosomething that might help you get what you prefer.Whenever you hear yourself sayingshould or must, its a sign you might be working off an irrational belief. Time to dispute and replace - unless you like being unnecessarily stressed and angry. I dont.So out of supreme respect for Albert, Im not going to say you should or must obey the above adviceBut doing so will make you much happier. Thats my underlying - and very rational - belief.Join more than 320,000 readers.Get a free weekly update via schmelzglashere.Related postsNew Neuroscience Reveals 4 Rituals That Will Make You HappyNew Harvard Research Reveals A Fun Way To Be More SuccessfulHow To Get People To Like You 7 Ways From An FBI Behavior ExpertThis article first appeared at Barking Up the Wrong Tree.Changing these 4 beliefs will make you surprisingly happyTraffic upsets you. People upset you. Your job upsets you Wrong, wrong and wrong.Actually, none of those things upset you. Yourbeliefsabout the m do. Thats what the ancient Stoic philosophers believed.FromThe Daily StoicPeople are not disturbed by things, but by the views they take of them. EpictetusLets say you expect something to cost $90. Turns out it costs $80. Youre thrilled. But if you expect it to cost $30 and it costs $80, you want to murder someone. Price didnt change. Your belief did. And that determined your reaction.Follow Ladders on FlipboardFollow Ladders magazines on Flipboard covering Happiness, Productivity, Job Satisfaction, Neuroscience, and moreOh, and science agrees with the Stoics here. Big time.Albert Elliswas a psychologist and he took the ideas of the Stoics and weaponized them into some of the most effective therapies that professionals use today.How big a deal was Albert?According to asurveyof psychologists he was the 2nd most influential psychotherapist ever. Sigmund Freud came inthird.Heres whatWikipediasaysabout his systemIn general REBT is arguably one of the most investigated theories in the field of psychotherapy and a large amount of clinical experience and a substantial body of modern psychological research have validated and substantiated many of REBTs theoretical assumptions on personality and psychotherapy.And Albert says your beliefs are what cause the majority of unhappiness, anger, and anxiety you experience.Problem is, some of these beliefs aresneaky.You dont even realize theyre there. If I told you that you believed them, youd deny it. But theyre often dictating your reactions - and making you miserable in the process.So what are some of the most common problematic beliefs Albert identified and how do we fix them?Lets get to itNo. 1 This shouldnt be happeningThis is the big one.Hereshow Albert describes the 1 irrational belief we all too often holdPeople and things should always turn out the way I want them to and if they dont, its awful, terrible, and horrible, and thats not fair.Sounds ridiculous. You would never say that, right? Problem is, you oftenbel ieveit without realizing it.Say I tell you this toaster over here almost never works. You try to use the toaster. It doesnt work. Do you get furious and throw the toaster at me? No. Reality met expectations. No surprises. No emotional outburst. Now lets apply that same logic in a different scenario.You know the world is not always a fair place, right? But then something unfair happens and you go ballistic. Does that make sense? Nope.If youreallybelieved the world wasnt always fair and the world promptly delivered some unfairness, you wouldnt get all bent out of shape. Reality met expectations. But what youreallybelieve is the world shouldnt be unfair toyou. And that, my dear friend, is crazy talk.HeresAlbertWeknowthe world is not fair, yet we still get overly upset when its unfair tous. We start thinking, very early on, that the world should be fair to usin particular The upsetness doesnt make the problem go away or solve anything (as a matter of fact, you probably make poorer decis ions, and deal with others less effectively), but you dont question your reaction because it seems sonatural.So how do you stop getting angry when life (which you acknowledge is unfair) does exactly what you said it would (and acts unfairly)? You need to change that underlying belief - the one you didnt know you had.Next time you find yourself getting upset, notice it. Pause. And thenIdentify the underlying beliefUh-oh. Im believing that this unfair lifemusttreat me fairly, arent I?Dispute that belief Is this belief rational? No. Uh-uh. No way, no how.Replace the belief So whats a more reasonable stance? I wouldpreferto be treated fairly, but I know things arent always going to be to my liking. Im not surprised and Im not going to lose my cool.(To learn more about the science of a successful life, check out my bestselling bookhere.)Okay, so outside events arent always gonna go your way and holding an underlying belief that is aligned with that can make lifes ups and downs much easi er to manage.But what beliefs about your own behavior does Ellis say regularly cause you problems?No. 2 I Must Be Perfect.Heres howAlbertdescribes itI must not fail at important tasks and if I do its terrible and I cant stand it.Again, you dont always realize this is your underlying belief. If I asked, Are you human and prone to error? Youd say yeah. But then you make a mistake and totally freak out. Does not compute.If youreallybelieved you were prone to error, you might be a little disappointed. Youdpreferto always get the A+. But you wouldnt be surprised and get overly emotional. Remember, you dont get angry when broken toasters act like broken toasters. You get angry when you expect broken toasters to act like working toasters.And getting rid of your perfectionist beliefs doesnt mean youre suddenly going to become a slacker who half-asses everything. You can still be persistent. You just dont have to hold silly beliefs that drive you nuts. HeresAlbertSearching for perfect soluti ons often will lead to stagnation and frustration. Perseverance, tolerance for less than perfection (but striving for it), the pursuit of improvement, and commitment to doing the very best you can, all are healthy, and most likely to yield the best results. Eliminating unreasonable demands for perfect solutions in no way reduces your commitment to doing or being the very best you can do or be.And if thats not enough,researchsays perfectionism can kill youConsistent with our hypotheses, findings demonstrated that risk of death was significantly greater for high scorers in perfectionism and neuroticism, compared to low scorers at the time of base line.So how do you deal with that pesky need to always be the best?Again, you have to dispute the underlying belief. Next time youre aiming for 110% and getting worked up, take notice.Ask yourself if the belief is rational (nope) and replace it with something more realistic Im going to work on the project for the next three hours and do my be st. The amount of effort I expend is under my control but peoples reaction to it isnt.(To learn the seven-step morning ritual that will make you happy all day, clickhere.)Okay, youre disputing and replacing irrational beliefs. Maybe youre not doing it perfectly at first - but we dont have to be perfect, now do we?So what about when that irrational belief is like a song stuck in your head? And you just cannot make it stop?No. 3 I Should Worry About This.HeresAlbertIf I worry obsessively about some up-coming event or how someone really feels about me things will actually turn out better.Ridiculous, right? But sometimes thats the belief were really holding.We worry and worry and worry some more. And if we stop worrying, we beat ourselves up for not worrying enough. Its like we think anxiety is a magic spell that, if chanted constantly, will actually prevent the dreaded thing from happening.For the record, it wont. And you already knew that. But if you believed it deep down, you wouldn t be biting your nails so much. Broken toaster theory all over again.So how do you make the worry song stop playing in your head? You know the answer here dispute and replace the belief. But with anxiety, it can be trickier because worry seems to operate on autopilot in the background. Time to bring out the big gunsWhat is worrying? Its your brains way of reminding you that something is a threat and needs to be dealt with. So what do you do if dispute and replace isnt cutting it in the short term? Let your brain know youre taking its reminders seriously.Schedule your worrying. Seriously. Make a worrying appointment. This worksFor those concerned with shedding some of their anxieties, it seems planning a certain time every day to worry may help stop the stress-out cycle.When people with adjustment disorders, burnout or severe work problems used techniques to confine their worrying to a single, scheduled 30- minute period each day, they were better able to cope with their problems, a new study by researchers in the Netherlands finds.Please make sure to tell co-workers, Id love to go to that meeting but 4PM is when I get all my worrying done for the day.And dont just worry during the appointment - dispute and replace. With practice, the worries will subside. Behavioral therapies like this are the most scientifically proven treatments for anxiety.(To learn 6 rituals from ancient wisdom that will make you happy, clickhere.)So you can finally get that worry song to stop playing in your head. But how do we deal with those beliefs about our past that have shaped us? Thebeliefs that we feel make us who we are?No. 4 Its because of my past.Albertexplains the belief like thisIt was my past and all the awful things that happened to me when I was a child or in my last relationship or in my last job that causes me to feel and act this way now.We make mistakes - often the same ones over and over - and we say its due to bad parenting. Or because we were teased in high schoo l. Or because we dated the wrong people.Yes, Albert acknowledgedsometraumas do leave lasting issues. But many, many people willingly accept more minor past problems as part of their identity and dont really try to correct them.HeresAlbertThere is no question that our past experiences have thepotentialto influence greatly our present behavior,if we let them Past events wont become any less real or valid we cant change the tapes of those events. We can, however, vigorously change how wethink about them.In most cases its not that the past event caused irrevocable damage its that you arepresentlycarrying an irrational belief about yourself that you took away from the event.I was bullied in school because I was weaker than the other kids. So I am a weak person. And decades later youre still running that buggy old code like it was the latest software update. Yeah, you may have had moments of weakness in the 4th grade. Does that mean youre a weak person at 32?Even though weve changed and o ur environment has changed, we cling to that outdated beliefand it affects how we feel. Then confirmation bias kicks in and we stop noticing evidence to the contrary - while maintaining a keen eye for everything that validates that irrational belief.I got nervous during that presentation today. Its because Im a weak person. Yeah, I killed 37 ninjas with my bare hands on the way from the parking lot to the office this morning, but that was just dumb luck. Ive always been weak and Ill always be weak.FromThe CBT Toolbox A Workbook for Clients and CliniciansBecause of how our filters (beliefs) are set up, we often notice instances that support the unhealthy beliefs more than we notice those that may support our opposite, healthy beliefs however, that evidence almost always exists as well.So how do we fix this? Of course, dispute and replace. But this one can be tricky because of confirmation bias.Were only noticing and remembering the times when the irrational belief seems to be true ( nervous during presentation) and not the times when its proven false (single-handedly defeating hordes of expertly trained martial arts masters.) So youre gonna need some help with this disputing process.Sit down with an old friend and a piece of paper. Make your case. Write down all the events that happened over the years that prove your irrational belief true.I am weak becauseWhen youre done, list all the events that contradict the belief.I am not weak becauseAnd your friend gets to add to this list. You dont get veto power over their contributions. Remember, youre biased.FromThe CBT Toolbox A Workbook for Clients and CliniciansOne valuable tool involves forcing ourselves to look back over those very same periods of life purposefully looking to see the evidence that supports our healthy beliefs. You may want to rely on family members or friends who were around during each period of life to help you notice such evidence. Even if they share things they see as counting that you dont think should count write them down anywayIf there isanythingon the second list, then you are not cursed by your past forever - youre cursed by an outdated belief that you still hold. Dispute and replace.Are you weakat times? Probably. But thats true of everyone. Youre human. Welcome to the party.(To see the schedule that very successful people follow every day, clickhere.)Okay, I now hold the underlying belief weve learned a lot about beliefs. Lets round it all up - and learn the two words that signal you have some more disputin and replacin to doSum upHere are the 4 irrational beliefs that cause you a lot of problemsThis shouldnt be happening Do you really expect to always get what you want? No. But if you really believed that you wouldnt be shouting.I must be perfect. Not possible. And itll kill you. You can control effort, not outcome. I willdomy best is rational. I mustbethe best is not.I should worry about this. Set a time to worry, to dispute, and to replace. This lets your brain know it doesnt need to be reminding you 24/7.Its because of my past. If thatsreallythe case, then you should be in therapy. But your problems are rarely due to dire past traumas, theyre usually due to some outdated, irrational belief you still hold. Get a friend to help you dispute and replace.You may have noticed two words that came up again and again should and must. Albert Ellis hated those words. He felt they were at the core of so much of our emotional suffering.Both imply that the universe needs to bend to your will. And thats not going to happen. Prefer all you like, but should and must are like shaking your fist at the sky when you dont like the weather. It should be sunny? Well, its not.When you align your expectations with reality, you stay cool like Fonzie. And then youre able todo something that might help you get what you prefer.Whenever you hear yourself sayingshould or must, its a sign you might be working off an irrational belief. Time to dispute and replace - unless you like being unnecessarily stressed and angry. I dont.So out of supreme respect for Albert, Im not going to say you should or must obey the above adviceBut doing so will make you much happier. Thats my underlying - and very rational - belief.Join more than 320,000 readers.Get a free weekly update via emailhere.This article first appeared at Barking Up the Wrong Tree.You might also enjoyNew neuroscience reveals 4 rituals that will make you happyStrangers know your social class in the first seven words you say, study finds10 lessons from Benjamin Franklins daily schedule that will double your productivityThe worst mistakes you can make in an interview, according to 12 CEOs10 habits of mentally strong people